I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
