covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
