People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
