I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
