everyone is single if you try hard enough
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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