Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
