Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
