I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
