just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
