They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
