she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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