I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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