From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
