I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
