My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
