my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i think i have two assholes
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize