I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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