he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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