put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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