A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
