the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
