I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
