Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
