sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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