i can't believe i had my finger in that
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
