Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
