nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
All the doctor said was why
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
