JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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