dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
