You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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