I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
