i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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