just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
