I will die if light touches me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
