I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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