just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That accounts for only three of the penises
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
