im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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