just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
