I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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