Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
