dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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