apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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