Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize