Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
