Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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