At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
