it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
