Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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