i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It's rum buckets o'clock
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
