I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
