I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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