the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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