i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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