I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
