You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
