Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
