Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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