pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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