i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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